Please note: These jokes are not meant to be offensive, we simply pass on to you, jokes which have been passed on by fellow travellers, please feel free to mail us some of your favorite jokes...mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org
From Karen....Two kids were peeking through the keyhole at their parents.>>>>One says, "That's the woman who sent me to a psychiatrist for sucking my thumb!"
|From Reinhardt....Little Johnny's sitting at the roadside playing. His mum looks out of the window to see him eating a couple of Smarties, licking the family cat and then, standing up, taking a couple of steps to the left and sitting down again. >>>Shocked, she goes out to see what he is up to. By the time she gets to him, he's done the same set of actions another four times.>>> 'Johnny', she cries, 'What are you up to?!!'>>> 'Mum, I'm pretending to be a Hell's Angel - I'm popping pills, licking pussy and moving on'|
|From Stephen.......> An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Blake, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?" >>>>"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Jacobson. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week." >>>> The next week, an upset Mrs. Jacobson marched into Dr. Blakes office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?" "Calm down, Mrs. Jacobson," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing." >>>> P.S. ... Diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.|
|From Riqi...RSA:>>>>What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?...45 lbs. >>>>>What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? ....45 minutes>>>>What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? ....Sexual harassment.>>>>What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? ....$3.99 a minute.|
|From Karen....A Texan wanted to go ice-fishing. He'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, he made for the nearest frozen lake in Colorado. After positioning his comfy foot-stool, he started to make a circular cut in the ice. >>>>Suddenly ---from the sky--- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the Texan moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!">>>> The Texan, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up his stool, and tried again to cut his hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" He stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you LORD?" >>>>The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Arena Manager!"|
From Karen .....:There was this not too bright farmer whose pigs were not reproducing. Since he wanted more pigs, he called a vet and asked him what he should do. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. Not wanting to appear stupid, the farmer answered "okay" and hung up the phone. Unclear on the meaning of artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs.>>>>> Not wanting anyone watching, he loaded them all in his pickup truck, drove down to the woods and did them all.>>>>> The next day he called the vet again, and asked how would he know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him the pigs would be laying down, rolling in the mud. But when he looked out the window, none of them were laying down. So he loaded them into his pickup again, drove them to the woods and did them all again.>>>>> To his dismay, they were still standing the next morning. So again, he loaded the pigs in his truck, drove them to the woods and did 'em all one more time. By the next morning, the farmer was dead tired, so he asked his wife to look out the window and tell him what the pigs were doing. >>>> She said, "Hmmm, that's weird, they're all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn."
|From Stephen....>>>>A Blond suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so she is over come with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head. >>>> The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."|
|From karen ....:Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.|
From karen ....:3 girls died and was brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question." >>>> "Which is ...?", they replied in unison. >>>> "Have you been a good girl ?", he asked the first girl. "Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married." "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key.">>>> "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl. "Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married." "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key.">>>> "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl. "Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically have sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime". "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl.........my room key."
From Cloudbreak...:A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.>> > >"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.>> > >"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.>> > >"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?">> > >So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.>> > >"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off.">> > >"And so?" asked the first flea. >> > >"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache and we are racing down the highway on the motercycle again!"
|From Karen...RSA..>the top 10 things that sound dirty in law, but arent>>>>10) Have you looked through her briefs? >>>>>09) He's one hard judge!>>>>>08) Counselor, let's do it in chambers. >>>>07) His attorney withdrew at the last minute. >>>>06) Is it a penal offense?>>>>>05) Better leave the handcuffs on.>>>>>04) For $200 an hour, she better be good! >>>>>03) Can you get him to drop his suit? >>>>>02) The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. >>>>01) Think you can get me off?|
|From Karen...RSA..>>>>>Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A: Both of them.>>>>>Q: How do you keep a man from raping you? A: Throw him the remote control.>>>>Q: What's a man's idea of a romantic evening? A: A candlelit football stadium.>>>>Q: What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee? A: One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching it's ass and the other's a chimpanzee.>>>>Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat? A: A sex-change operation.>>>>Q: Why did the man cross the road? A: He heard the chicken was a slut. >>>>Q: Why do men talk so dirty? A: So they can wash their mouth out with beer. >>>>Q: Why did God create man? A: She didn't. Her husband did.>>>>Q: How do you confuse a man?A: Tell him to start a knock-knock joke. >>>>Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay? A: They don't have time.>>>>Q: What happens when a man opens his zipper? A: His brains fall out>>>>Q: Why did god make women so stupid? A: Someone had to like men!>>>>Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? A: They won't stop to ask directions!>>>>Q: What does PMS stand for? A: Putting (up with) Men's Stupidity >>>>Q: Why don't women have men's brains? A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in! >>>>Q: What's that ugly lump of flesh called on the end of a penis? A: A man.>>>>Q: What do electric toy trains and breasts have in common? A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands who end up playing with them!>>>>Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock >>>>Q: What is the perfect man? A: A gingerbread man... He's sweet, he's quiet and if he gives you any crap, you can bite his head off!>>>>Q: What do men and sperm have in common? A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.>>>>Q: Why do men have a hole in the end of their penis? A: So they can get some air to their brains. >>>>Q: Why do men like masturbation? A: It's sex with someone they love. >>>>Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs? A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. >>>>Q: Why did god make man before woman? A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy >>>>Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: one... men will screw anything >>>Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and their sperm is white? A: So they can tell if they're Coming or Going...>>>Q: How many men does it take to put the seat down? A: Nobody knows. It hasn't happened yet. Q: Why do women keep their eye's closed when they're being screwed? A: Because they can't stand to see a man have a good time! >>>>Q: How can you tell when a man wants sex? A: He's breathing. >>>>Q: How can you tell when a man's had an orgasm? A: You can hear him snoring. >>>>Q. What is the thinnest book in the world? A. What men know about women. >>>Q. How does a man take a bubble bath? A. He eats beans for dinner.>>>>Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? A. Because they don't have balls to scratch.>>>>Q. What is a man's idea of fore play? A. Half an hour of begging. >>>Q. How do you save a man from drowning? A. Take your foot off his head.>>>>Q. What do men and beer bottles have in common? A. They're both empty from the neck up.>>>>Q. How can you tell if a man is happy? A. Who cares? >>>>>Q. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework? A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum. >>>>Q. What's the difference between a man and E.T.? A. E.T. phones home.>>>>Q. What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A. A pizza and a six pack.>>>>Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A. We don't know, it has never happened.|
|From Alan Hawkins...RSA...:It seems that the old Scot was sitting in the bar sipping his good scotch whisky, talking to a young man about life. The young man had asked McTavish why he was so gloomy and sad. >>>>" Ye see that fence out there? I built that fence when I was a young man. Each stone, I dug out of the ground and put it carefully in place, a true work of art that will last well beyond me. But did anyone ever see me walk down the street and say 'There goes McTavish the stonemason.' ? No laddie, they never did.">>>>"And how 'bout this very bar where we now sit. I handcrafted this bar, planed it so smooth and applied the varnish. Truly a masterpiece for all to see. But does anybody refer to me as McTavish the carpenter or the master craftsman? No laddie they don't.">>>>"And the mill, laddie, I been workin' at the mill all my life, but do people call me McTavish the miller? Never in my life." >>>>The young man replied by asking what these things had to do with the old man being so glum and McTavish replied, "You do all those things and nothing happens. But you f*ck one lousy sheep....."|
|From Mark Chipps...RSA (currently in London)...:South African English as spoken on SABC-3.(a South African television channel) > . Arwa - as in "arwa dee-mands"> . Beds - mossies, doves, etc> . Ben - to set alight> . Cut - a small donkey-drawn vehicle> . Errors - districts, eg ebbon errors> . Gaddin - where you grow kebbi-jees> . Get - a hinged device in a fence> . Hair - as oppsed to him> . Hiss - masculine form of hairs> . I'm so heppi - I just voted> . Itch - as in "itch and avairy"> . Kah - what you drive around in> . Kennel - ammy officer> . Kettle - cows> . Kipper - eg goal kipper> . Lan - to acquire knowledge> . Mick - those that will inherit the eth> . Pee pull - die mense> . Phlegm - the benning top of a kendal> . Piss - symbolised by white dove> . Sheep - big boat> . Ship - provider of wool> . Spitch - what politicians make at a relly> . Teksi - kah for hire - sometimes parrot teksi> . Tipic ally - characteristic> . Tocks - negotiations> . We men - ladies> . We pon - a gun> . Weaned - an ill one blows nobody any good> . Weds - what the dictionary is made up of> . Wekkas - do the weck> . Weld - the eth> . Bad - you sleep on it in the badroom> . Beg - shopping-beg, hand-beg, tog-beg> . Chealdrin - our future is in their hands> . Chetz - where worshippers go on Sundays> . Cuds - you can play poker or rummy with them> . Debben - city in KZN Diellas - as in drug diellas or wee-pon diellas> . Detty - opposite of clean> . Driva - holds the steering wheel of a teksi> . Duck - very duck at night when the lights are all off> . Ebben - you get ebben erriors and rural erriors> . Ewways - eg. SAA, Comair Fems - companies, eg Anglo-American> . Fest - the one before second and third Fum - you can fum with ship> or kettle> . Fumma - he owns the fum> . Geave - you MUST geave, I will take.> . Hubba - where sheeps dock.> . Jems - little bugs that give you the flu> . Kettegry - in a system of classification> . Kettelog - shopping brochure> . Keptown - parliament doesn't belong there> . Kot - where the judges sit> . Lieda - as in Arwa Lieda, the president.> . Miening - What is the miening of this attack?> . Nesses - they work in kleenex and hospitals> . Piss-Tox - between IRA and John Major> . Reeva - eg. Limpopo, Vaal, Orange> . Regime - anything to describe pre-1994> . Rent - (deleted from dictionary) DO NOT pay.> . Scotched Eth - guerilla tactic> . Shex - houses in squatter-camps> . Shuck-nets - at Debben, for safety of sweamas> . Shuck-attak - If the shuck-net is broken> . Sweamas - compete in a sweaming-pool> . Taps - solvent to thin Enamel paint> . Teck - see geave (above)> . Tenning point - the "top" of a parabola> . Thest - Ice cold Coke will relieve it on a hot day> . Ufrican - pertaining to Ufrica> . Ummy - Military force> . Weckliss - the unemployed pee-pull> . Wean-dow - with glus for throwing bricks through> . Weaner - the one with the most votes> . Wems - small crawly creatures.("He's got wems")> . Wemmox (r) - Medicine to get rid of wems> . Weth - She is weth her weight in gold..|
|From Reinhardt Slabber...RSA...:Why do men fart more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.>>>> Why did god give men penises? So we'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!>>>>What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.>>>>Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.>>>>What's the most active muscle in a woman? The penis.>>>>Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand to see a man having a good time.>>>>What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.>>>>What do you call a Playboy centrefold who's a lesbian? Bitch.>>>>What do you call a woman who can suck an orange through a water hose? Darling.>>>>What's a man's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs while you vacuum.>>>>Why does it take five women with PMS to change a light bulb? IT JUST FUCKING WELL DOES!!>>>>What do you do when the dishwasher won't work? Kick her.>>>>Did you hear about the Nancy Kerrigan special at Kentucky Fried Chicken? Two small breasts and a bruised thigh.>>>>Why are cyclones/tornadoes usually named after women? Because what starts off as a small blow ends up taking half your house.>>>>What do the TV shows Green Acres and Roseanne have in common? A pig named Arnold.>>>>Why did God create lesbians? So feminists couldn't breed.>>>>Why is a fat woman like a moped? They're both fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on either.>>>>What's the best thing about a blowjob? Ten minutes of silence.>>>>Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? They don't have balls to scratch.>>>>What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant? Her legs.>>>>Did you hear about the new all female delivery service? Its called UPMS - they deliver whenever the fuck they feel like it.>>>>What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.|
Hope you enjoyed these jokes more coming soon....